Disturbing Possibilities
by Fuzzy Necromancer
Summary: The Teen Titans run into their own group from an alternate universe. They are not evil twins, nor do any of them possess beards. Contains OC, gender changes, inverted Raven, and one character really fat. Reviews appreciated.


Everything was going as usual in Titan Tower. Robin and Starfire where watching a movie, although they spent more time watching each other than the actual movie which, although they had not realized it yet, was actually an infomercial for a do-it-yourself circumcision device. Beast Boy and Cyborg were getting on the nerves of each other and Raven, while Terra was rapidly scarfing down enough food to feed a small European nation(1), and Raven was floating around and radiating a general aura of gothy angst.

And, as was usual in the Titan Tower, something very unusual happened. Somewhere on the opposite side of the room began glowing and crackling. It was as if somebody had poked a whole in the air. This hole began to widen, and in a flash of bright light it released five figures and then closed again.

On one side of the room stood Robin, Starfire, Beast Boy, Cyborg, Raven, and Terra. On the other side stood Robin, Starfire, a strange person they did not know, Beast Boy, and Terra. Robins readied their staffs, Starfires powered up their starbolts, Beast Boys morphed into Tyrannosaurs(2), Raven started an Azerath Metrion Zynthos, the two Terras lifted up chunks of rock and brought them in through the window(3) and the unknown person aimed a glowing finger and began chanting. They all shouted at each other the same words, "Who are you and what are you doing in Titan Tower?!"

(1)Holland  
(2)actually, they technically were just Albertosaurs, but nobody ever really noticed the difference between one large therapod and another.  
(3)Which was not open at the time

As they took a moment to stare in confusion at each other, they began to notice some differences. The other "Starfire" had short-cut hair, no breasts, narrower hips, and the other physical traits we usually associate with men. The other beast boy was more muscular and fairly plump, with apparently a chest bigger than Starfire's, a more fierce look, and longer hair. And then there was Terra. She was...huge. She had to be at least 375 pounds, maybe even somewhere in the lower 400s range. Her thighs were thick columns of fat that squished up against each other, her arms had a good two inch layer of flab, Her but was wide enough to comfortably take up two chairs, her massive gut bulged out nearly two feet in front of her, a noticeable portion poking out from under her XXXL T-shirt, and judging from her chest area she had a massive amount of difficulty finding a bra in her size. The stranger was a slender, moderately endowed girl with short brown hair who looked to be about 17 to 19 years of age with some noticeably sharp teeth, blood red eyes, sharp nails, an orange-red skin color, a dark blue spandex outfit with a red dragon on it, and a crimson cape. 

They spent some more time staring at each other and each repeated the question. This was met with accusations of mimicry, which was followed by frustrated forming of headveins and dropping of sweats.

During this exchange, Cyborg had released an infrared beam from his eye to a selectively opaque panel made to blend in with the wall. Within the walls of the tower, a tiny series of electrical signals went off. Although essentially a string of ones and zeros, the basic message roughly translated as "capture and disable the intruders".

They stood facing their counterparts for a while, poised and ready for action, when a small device lowered from the ceiling and one by one hit them with a small beam of energy. The DNA scanner turned to the original titans and respectively identified them as themselves. It then turned to the intruders. An image of the faux Robin showed up on its screen, the male Starfire(1), the buff yet pudgy Beast Boy, and the titanic Terra identifying them as authentic titans. "Wait," Robin said thinking, "if we both have the same DNA, and the scanner would pick up cell age signs of cloning, then-" but just now the scanner had reached the unknown newcomer, and a flashing red light followed by an "INTRUDER ALERT!" warning went off, and she was encased in a transparent tube. Upon this the Titans on both sides leapt after each other when in mid-attack Robin yelled "**STOP!**"  
They all ceased, some of them actually halting in mid jump/fall and starbolts coming to a stop with a screech as if they had tires. He turned and addressed his side. "They're us from an alternate universe. Just like Larry, same DNA, same general appearance, but noticeable differences."   
"Of Course!" alternate Robin exclaimed. "When I tried to use the teleporter, I must have forgotten to include a proper face stabilizer for the chronotron conduit and sent us through potential existence instead of space/time."

A firm wrapping on the glass tube reminded both sets of titans that the girl with a dragon on her outfit was still imprisoned, and was currently mouthing out some very unladylike words(1) even though the screen prevented any sound from escaping. "Deactivate the security system Cyborg," Robin ordered. "Not yet, there's still something I want to know. How come...that...dragon...cape..." "SpellSlinger" alternate Robin supplied. "Right, SpellSlinger, why is she there even though we don't have one of her, and how come two members of our team are missing duplicates?" "I was wondering about that too," Raven said.  
"Well, it's easy. In their universe the timeline played out so that you never wound up joining the Teen Titans and she did."  
"I guess that makes sense. Wait, I'm not an evil guy with a beard in your world am I?" Cyborg said with some concern. "Um, I don't really know of anybody by the name of "Cyborg" in Jump City. There is a guy by the name of Victor Stone who helps provide some of our gadgets though, looks like he might be a relative of yours." Alternate Robin answered. "So...the accident must have not happened in your universe." Cyborg stood contemplating the possibility. Beast Boy looked at his alternate. "Dude, you look like a girl!" while his doppelganger simultaneously responded "Dude, you look like a boy!" They both stood silently and stared for a moment before their eyes shrunk and then widened. "Shit, you **are** a girl!" "Shit, you **are** a boy!" The Starfires babbled at each other in Tamaranian. Terra and Terra stared at each other until Terra was overcome with curious fascination and gave her alternate an inquisitive poke in her belly fat. Alternate Terra responded in kind and the Terra that we know bent over and winced. "Ow! That hurt!" "You started it." "Well I don't have 30 inches of padding! I think that was my kidney!" There was then a loud shockwave and the sound of shattering glass as a fuming crimson SpellSlinger emerged from what was left of the tube. "WHY DOES EVERYBODY IGNORE ME, DAMMIT?!"

(1)The DNA scan intruder detection system allowed for slight margin of change in genetic code to prevent them from having to update it every time they got exposed to small radiation or had some foreign cellular material on them. This margin was large enough to ignore the Y chromosome.

(2)When the fuck will you let me out of this fucking tube you fuck-damned motherfuckers?!

Sorry for the off of the slacking. Update is here.

After SpellSlinger had calmed down and the glass shards had been cleaned up, Beast Girl turned to alternate Robin and asked "So, how do we get back?"  
"We'll need another chronotonic phase teleporter. I don't suppose-"  
"Sorry, we don't have one," Robin responded. "I could try to make one," Cyborg suggested. "What'd you use?"  
"Well, we need 35.6 grams of pure promethium, 30 milliliters of mercury, one pure sodium cube with a width equal to exactly (well, at least within 3 nanometers of) four times its thickness and a height equal to nine times its thickness, some chronosynthium, a vacuum tube connected to a transistor by a deu-"  
"Wait, did you say chronosynthium?" Robin asked alternate Robin.  
"Yes, is that a problem?"  
"Well it's just that it's a controlled regulated substance. Normally you can't even get it from the government without a 7 year waiting period."  
"Why?" asked a shocked alternate Robin.  
"Because it's incredibly radioactive and has the capacity to create four-dimensional explosions that can take out everything within 80 miles and destroy or mutate living tissue from as far as 16 months into the past or future?"  
"What are you talking about, the stuff's as neutral as helium?!"  
"Not in this universe. Different laws of physics I suppose."  
"Well, is there anything we can do to get it a little faster?"  
"Well, technically there's nothing we could do...cough_except use the political and financial leverage of Wayne Industries to clear up the red tape._/cough"  
Everyone stared for a few moments. "Wow, I didn't think you had that in you," Raven said with a mixture of mild reproach and admiration. "What is wrong Robin, are you ill?" Starfire asked. "Yes, perhaps you are coming down with the Strep of the throat?" alternate Starfire chimed in.  
"No, I'm fine," Robin said, sweat-dropping and feeling relief at Starfire's naive incomprehension.

"So, what do we do until the Chronowhatevers arrive?" SpellSlinger asked. "Get to know ourselves I guess," Beast Girl said. Beast boy let out a small appreciative chuckle. There was then a loud chorus of gurgling and rumbling, and they all sweat-dropped. "Maybe we could start off over some pizza."

"Alright, so, what should we get?" Robin asked.  
"Medium Cheese" Robin petitioned.  
"Supreme with pineapple and anchovies and squid!" Starfire and Starfire squealed.  
"Three Extra large supreme pizzas with stuffed crust!" Terras eagerly voiced with visible waterfalls of salivation. "Wow, you eat the same stuff I do?" Alternate Terra said incredulously. "Well, yeah, I mean, I'm you and all." "I know, it's just hard to believe. I mean look at you!" She gestured towards Terra's visible ribs. "I just figured you were a high-metabolismed anorexic with an allergy to calories that eats one leaf of lettuce for a combination breakfast lunch and dinner. I mean, I eat like me and look!" She lifted up her shirt to expose her massive jiggling belly and her deep naval. It actually made an audible sloshing sound as it shook to and fro. "And you, I mean, I've literally seen skeletons that were wider! Where the fuck do you put it all?!" Terra sweat-dropped. "I guess I just have a really really really really **really** fast metabolism." After her question was answered, she suddenly became cognizant of the fact that everyone nearby was staring at her with a variety of expressions, and she quickly pulled her shirt back down and blushed. Eager for a change to change the subject, she turned to SpellSlinger and asked "So, what do you want?"  
"Oh, the usual. Hot sauce, peppers, and sun-dried tomatoes."  
"Meat lover's special!" Cyborg yelled.  
"Dude, can we please have one night without your nasty hunks of dead animal." Beast Boy replied.  
"Ditto," Beast girl cried. Beast boy started to smile being backed up for a change.  
"Animals taste best live!" She said with a wistful drool. Beast boy's jaw didn't so much drop as simply melt from his face, while the other titans (native to this universe, not alternates) got an expression on their faces, both eyes turning into white circles of different size. "Yeaaah, some mice would be nice on it, and Japanese water beetles, and rats, and maybe a ferret, oh what the hell just take some meat pizzas and drape them over a goat. Yeah. And not some weak little thing to, a real fighter..."  
The rest of the Titans we were familiar with stared on as she ranted and rambled about not only the type of live food but went a vivid description of catching and devouring it complete with an elaborate pantomime that resulted in her returning to reality with a half-destroyed throw-pillow in her mouth, and promptly shifted to a distinctive tint of pink(1), then spat it out with a loud hack. "Sorry about that, I'm very...passionate about eating."  
Beast boy soaked up his jaw with a towel, wrung it out, put it in the freezer for a bit, and then stuck it back onto his face. "So, I guess we've still got a lot of differences huh. What I don't understand is why you want to eat animals if you've been them?"  
"The same reason they want to really. I turn into predators a lot, and I've gotten hungers and cravings for pretty much every kind of meat there is. It's also sort of put things in perspective and reminded me that Homo sapiens are the biggest predators of all, eating everything that won't kill us and some things that will. I mean honestly, who came up with the idea of eating blowfish? It's a horrid little thing that expands into a spine-covered ball loaded with poison that can deliver a slow and painful death, and people pay hundreds of dollars for a tiny morsel of this spiny little deathtrap. This is clearly a thing that humans were not meant to eat! You've got a whole fucking ocean full of delicious, spineless, big, juicy non-poisonous fish, but no, you have to go for the one that can kill you **and** pay extra money for it!(2) Sorry, there I go again. I have a tendency to ramble. This one time..."  
At this point Beast Girl had adopted a vague and glazed-over yet passionate as she blithered and babbled on to nobody in particular. "So, does this happen often?" Beast Boy asked. "All the time. Don't worry, she usually comes out of it in a few minutes. Oh, she's almost though."

"...and that's why those little pine tree shaped air fresheners should be restricted from sale in the northwest under penalty of violent death!"

Just as she finished the sound of her wandering speech was replaced by the ring of a doorbell indicating an important arrival.

(1)Pepto-Bismol Sunset  
(2)this really bugs me too.

The pizza delivery girl rung the doorbell again and then heard a mixture of sounds. There where two swooshing noises, a dull unnatural buzz, the metal-on metal sound of furiously working gears and pistons, what sounded like the hungry cawing of a pair of birds, the clambering of four pairs of feet and a resonating pounding of somebody very heavy trying to move very fast. Finally, the door opened with a soft _fwish_ to reveal the eager face of Terra with the others crowded behind her. "That'll be $235 please," the delivery girl said. "Hold on a sec," and with that Terra began fumbling through her pockets, pulling out lint, gum wrappers, her STAGWELSO(1) membership card, a subway "free sub" card with three out of the eight spaces stamped, before finally extruding her prize. She forked over a $20 bill and a piece of paper then grabbed the pizzas. The delivery girl stared at it incredulously, reading aloud. "15 large pizzas and a live cow for the price of one?!"  
"I told you that coupon would come in handy some day Terra said to Raven in a triumphant tone. Raven just sighed deeply, shook her head at the mind-bending improbability, and handed her over a $10 bill.(2) As Terra headed back in salivating and absorbing the tender pizza aroma, the delivery girl looked incredulously at the price listed on the coupon and the cash in her hand. "No tip? Even Plasmus tips!"(3) She glared at the lanky blond, enchanted by the Italian aroma and seemingly oblivious to her stinginess. **"May your dark betrothed rise from the pits of 9 hells to reclaim you as the bride of unspeakable pain and torment!"** Terra turned and looked at the pizza girl. "Sorry, did you say something?"   
"Oh, nothing, nothing," she replied walking away. _"...just a curse upon your very soul._" Terra, not being able to quite make out the words, shrugged and went inside to enjoy the pizza.

(1)Stick Thin Anime Girls Who Eat Like Starved Ocelots  
(2)The Moral is: never make a bet with a girl whose metabolism violates most major laws of thermodynamics.  
(3)Of course most of the time it was half-soaked with the semi-animate chemical of unknown nature that makes up his body so many chose simply to drop the pizza and run before he could try to pay

For the benefit of the others Beast Girl had decided to do must of her hunting and eating outside the tower and come in later for dessert. Terra and Terra were voraciously tearing through their pizzas at an equal rate and their fellow Titans kept a safe distance to avoid losing a finger(1). Starfire and Starfire enjoyed their meal at a moderate rate while babbling back and forth in Tamaranian. The Robins spent a little time comparing the differences in their two realities and lives. While he was explaining how Cyborg came to be a member of the team, he noticed alternate robin staring at male Starfire with the same worshipful, love-struck expression with which he himself looked at the Starfire he knew and loved. _Wait a sec, that's...no, it can't be. I mean, I'm not...but he...could he really be...No, I must be imaging things...nope, holy homunculi_, was his sequence of thoughts as the unnerving revelation crept into his mind. _I'm, **he**'s...gay._ Now, of course Robin was not a homophobe or anything, after all he'd exchanged some friendly conversation and brief rivalry with speedy during the "Tournament of Heroes". It was just seeing _himself_, identical in appearance and uncomfortably similar in past and personality, attracted to somebody of the same sex...and it didn't help that said person was essentially the person he was attracted to but short one X chromosome.  
Meanwhile Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Raven where asking SpellSlinger about herself. "So, what's your backstory?" "How'd you end up with the titans?" "What kind of magic do you use?" they inquired respectively.  
"Well, let's see. To start off with I was raised by my father after my mother left when I was three. I grew up in a small New England town and attended public school. Due to a clerical error, I wound up taking Geometry before my intro-geometry course the result being that I had to teach myself basic algebra during the first year and was completely unchallenged during the second year. I signed up for shop but found out only afterward that girls couldn't take shop, but it was too late to go into consumer sciences, so I pretty much spent most of my academic life bored on the verge of hallucinating, which is actually how I first discovered my powers(2). When I asked my dad about it, I found out that I was the direct descendant of a powerful dragon. I also found that the reason why my mother left was because the lizard-like traits had been particularly prominent in her and she couldn't stand the negative attention it drew(3). I learned that with practice and time I could harness and control the supernatural powers from my draconic blood. In such a close-knit small town it would be disaster if somebody discovered my magical abilities and thought I was some unsavory demon-worshipper, so I decided to move to a larger area. I picked jump city for its low property rates(4). One day when a creature named Plasmus attacked the diner I was eating in I managed to hit him with a sleep spell, which got the attention of the team of superheroes that were pursuing him."  
Beast Girl came in wiping the blood off her mouth and was about to ask if desert was ready when the main screen was filled by the grinning face of...  
**"RAVEN?!"**

(1)Beast boy had once absentmindedly reached for a slice of Terra's and wound up losing an entire **arm**, but that is another story.  
(2)She had wished with all her might that _something_ unusual would happen just to relieve the monotony and wound up turning class steroid-using football jock's Jersey into a shade of pink that the SNL character Mango would refuse to wear it on the ground of it looking too flamboyant.  
(3)People mistook her for Richard Nixon on a daily basis  
(4)Jump city had some pretty cheap real estate do to the fact that most of it was either being destroyed or being fled by panicked newcomers wondering why they left Ohio in the first place.

"Aw, if it isn't my bestest fwiends in the whole wide world!" Raven said on the screen with a big cheery cavity-inducingly-sweet smile. She was garbed head to toe in a bright pink cape similar to our Raven's but yellow ducks and white bunnies on it. The back rippled a little as of something was scrunched under it, and it may have been a trick of the light over her head or digital editing, but...was that a HALO?!

The camera panned across the room, showing the reaction of each titan.

Robin, Starfire, Cyborg, and Beast Boy stared with the white-eyed o0 expression common to them at this unnerving rendition. Raven's outline rippled, then she cringed, made a gagging sound, and sort of went limp. Beast Girl turned into a wolf and snarled angrily, Starfire powered up a starbolt, SpellSlinger waved her arms to form an almost visible shield of energy, Terra glared and Robin readied his pole. "How did you get here?" he asked with a hostility usually reserved for people whose name rhymed with Glade and began with an 'S'.

"Oh that was easy Robby-poo." Both Robins flinched at this remark, the pet name brining up some very painful memories. "After you disappeared, I took your little teleporter thingy and decided to tag along with my best of pals." 

Starfire fumed at this remark and yelled at her. "You are not our friend!" he said, his head expanding to a massive size and eyes pure green with rage. "Our friends do not abduct us, or destroy our city, or try to kill us in overly complicated ways!"

"Oh come on, what are a few kidnappings and attempted murders between friends?" She said, not losing an ounce of her warm and friendly attitude. "So any way, I was thinking we could come over to my place, watch some anime, have some snacks, kill you and your doubles in various painful and creative ways, the usual."

"I do not wish to do this kind of the hanging out," Starfire said shaking her head vigorously.

"Well that's why I'm not giving you a choice silly!"

A light went off on Cyborg's arm, the little diode illuminating the small black text.  
SECURITY BREACH

slowly, the doors behind them opened to reveal...what appeared to be a shitake mushroom with big shiny eyes.  
"What the hell?!"  
"Oro!" the chibi shroom squealed.  
"Don't touch it!" yelled Robin, Starfire, Terra, Beast Girl, and SpellSlinger all at once.  
The funny fungus continued to babble in pseudo-Japanese while a creeped-out Robin, BB, Cyborg, and Raven looked on and Starfire gave a happy eyed expression of amusement and clapped.  
Meanwhile, a little "kawai!" face popped in through the window. Some bunnies and duckies where squeezing in through the ventilation, and a little squid-like thing was coming up through the sink. Raven swirled around furiously, trying to find some place to look away, but they were everywhere. She stumbled to her knees. "I...hate..cu-HHH-HUU-UURRRK!!" she sputter out before violently retching, spilling various tea leaves and partially processed pizza fragments onto the floor. "Whoa, I guess she wasn't kidding when she said cute things made her sick."

The alternate Titans had already begun an offensive on the nauseatingly-cute invaders. Robin was smashing them with his pole, SpellSlinger had some kind of special attack that seemed to erase them from existence, Beast girl was trampling them in mastodon mode, and terra was crushing them in a spray of rocky debris. Oddly there was no blood or guts, they just seemed to squash like grapes into inky stains. Spellslinger turned to the normal titans. "Are you going to just stand there watching or help us before these things overrun the tower?!" she snapped. This jarred them to action, except for Starfire, who couldn't bear herself to harm anything so adorable, and Raven, who was now regurgitating _yesterday's_ lunch. Cyborg fired mightily with his sonic blaster. Beast boy tried to bite one in half as a wolf, but then spat out and started gagging and writhing. "Gah! It tastes like ink!"  
"That's because it _is_ ink dumb-ass!" Spellslinger shouted. "She has the power to use holy water and sacred ink to draw minions. Do you think big-eyed abominations like these could actually exist?"   
"Alright, no need lash out at me," Beast Boy briefly said in a hurt tone before going back to animal mode.  
And yea, while they fought fiercely and valiantly, the titans where soon overwhelmed. The fumes from the ink working at their brains, the massive cluster of cute squealing shapes, and everything went white...

Raven awoke in a strange place. She was sitting a comfortable chair, with a small tablet next to her that had a dish of candy on it. Her friends were in similar seats. There appeared to be no sort of restraints on the chairs of any kind, and she found surely enough she could get up and walk about with ease. 

She took in her surroundings slowly as if recovering from a daze. They where alarmingly...happy. The walls were painted a bright pink and adorned with various childish pictures of cute things and anime posters containing big-eyed chibis and animal-things. There was a large television with a case of videos and DVDs of various Disney and anime titles, and a large couch adorned by through-pillows in the likeness of licensed characters.

She went and quickly roused the others. Just as they began to adjust to the new surroundings, a door opened and in walked the amiable antagonist herself, alternate Raven, munching on a cookie. Immediately, all the titans became literally fired up, and leapt at her in chibi form only to stop a few inches short and seemingly flatten themselves against an invisible surface, then slowly slid down to the floor in a heap. Alternate Raven continued causally walking towards the couch, where she picked up a remote, pressed a button, and sat down. "Hi everybody. I can see I've got a lot of friends here today. Old friends," she gestured towards the alternate Titans, "New friends (who are in fact parallel versions of said old friend). The kawaians will bring in some refreshments, until then you can start by munching on the candy. Here's hoping you all have a super fun time and a super-duper painful and ironic demise. "

"Oh, I almost forgot to mention. About what happened earlier, I guess that you might be feeling a little grumpy about your abduction and imminent doom, so I set up a light screen spell. It's a little force-field type thingy that allows visible light to pass through it freely and blocks everything else. That includes sound-waves, hence the need for a speaker system. I also took the liberty of lining the field with a sacred scrolls and priest's blood, and that plus a few minor consecrations by yours truly will keep out any of your icky spooky magic spell-things. :P"

"Alright, anyways, the line up for today is: snacks, anime, snacks, anime, snacks, more anime, slow-painful death, anime viewed by your temporarily imprisoned souls, and then snacks offered sacrificially in your memory. Any questions?"

"Are you insane?!" Cyborg yelled.  
"No, I just happen to be very friendly and extremely evil at the same time." She replied pleasantly.  
"Dude, how can you _talk_ in emoticons?" Beast Boy inquired.  
"Because I want to." She answered  
"Is that a _halo_ over your head?!" Robin asked incredulously.  
"Yes. I also have wings. My father was a celestial entity and my mother was human, I guess the closest approximation would be that I'm a half-angel."  
"Now why didn't I see that coming?" Terra asked.  
Raven simply glared onward with a look that could melt lead.

It was then that a group of detestably cute little anime critters came out with some brightly colored unnatural-looking cookies that made you want to get a complete dental check-up just looking at them, brought in by Pikachus. As Terra hungrily reached out for some, Robin yelled at them "STOP! It might be poisoned." They then noticed Raven ignore them and take a small bite. Her face turned green and she made a little choking noise. "I knew it!" they said angrily. "No, it's not poison. If she wanted to kill us right off the bat she would have done it by now. It's just too damn sweet." The word damn had barely escaped her mouth when she felt a charge of electric current surge through her body and gave a wince of pain. "Oh no, very bad! We mustn't use naughty icky nasty words now. :3" "FUCK!" Raven yelled in response to the pain, receiving another jolt. "BITCH! **_ZAP_** Whore! **_zap_** motherfucker! **_Zap_**! She had started to give off an aroma of BBQ before she managed to get her chain of swearing under control.

"Tee-hee! Silly will Raven-waven. " alternate Raven giggled. "How about I cut you open and rippy-wippy out your spleeny-weenie?" Raven suggested to her pink-wearing-counterpart. "Maybe, but first, some super happy fun anime!"  
She pressed a remote button and suddenly a thin vapor entered the room and dissipated. Various screens appeared all around and projected the same horrifying image, making it impossible to look away. The titans found to their horror that they were physically incapable of shielding or closing their eyes. Terras cringed, Cyborg moaned, SpellSlinger shouted unspeakable threats of violence, Robins Screamed, Beast Boy and Beast Girl struggled and howled in agony. Only Starfire and Starfire seemed unharmed by the blasphemous images, and seemed to be clapping happily and singing along. Finally the opening theme song was over, and the title displayed itself:  
Hamtaro

One agonizing half-hour later, Raven was recovering from some severe dry heaves, Cyborg was still trying to find his off switch, spell-slinger was releasing a string of profanities so vile they caused the adjacent titans' hair to catch on fire, Beast Boy and Beast Girl were drooling and mumbling the theme music. The Terras were tugging on their hair. Robins where moaning an agony-filled whimper like a prisoner recovering from his "introduction" with his 300lb. cellmate named Bubba.

"Is it-HURK- over?" Raven asked weakly. "Yup, and now it's SNACK TIME!" squealed the pink perversion of all that is holy. At the word "snack" Raven bent over again to continue her demonstration of a half-human digestion in rewind. Terras popped their heads up and eagerly dug in. Beast Boy and Beast Girl were shaken back to reality with help from Starfires.

"Okee day okee day, time for next anime!" They all went into a collective cringe, wincing and preparing for the horror to come as she slipped in another DVD...

The titans all breathed a sigh of relief to see that it was a different anime, Inuyasha.

It was apparently part two of a cliffhanger episode. Kagome was standing with darkened controlled looking eyes and aiming an arrow at Inuyasha's heart.

"Inuyasha...run..." she said with strain in her voice, as if the words were difficult to squeeze out.

"No, I won't leave you to die!" Inuyasha yelled.

"Run..." she pleaded again.  
"No!" he defied.  
"Run..."  
"No!"  
"Run..."  
"No!"  
It went on that way for some several minutes, and gradually Raven's perky smile lessened, her bouncing body relaxed, and her eyelids began to droop.  
"Run..."  
"No!"  
"Run..."  
"No!"  
"Run..."  
WUMPH!  
The last was the sound of alternate Raven falling sideways into the couch, fallen asleep from sheer boredom. This was the perfect time for the Titans to figure out an escape.

Unfortunately, they were bored out of consciousness as well. Beast Boy and Beast Girl where drooling on the floor, Terra was snoring and lying sprawled on her large stomach, Terra was nowhere to be seen, Cyborg was dreaming of electric sheep, Spellslinger was curled up a like a cat, and Robins where both snuggled up with their respective Starfires. Raven was asleep, but seemed more uneasy, occasionally shifting position, reflexively wiping away some drool, here eyelids shaking either from resisting the urge to open or shielding the rapid eye movements of dreams. It was clear that she would soon wake, but would she rise before her angelically diabolic counterpart?

Raven was indeed fast asleep, but only in a bodily sense. Her mind was still fully active and alert. She worked hard, slowly extending tentacles of thought towards her target. She projected her consciousness into SpellSlinger's mind, the new presence shattering her existing dream(1). Raven then pulled SpellSlinger's conscious thought into her own mindscape.

"What's going on?" Spellslinger asked, still a little confused.  
"We're asleep," Raven coldly responded.  
"Then why are you in my dream, and where are the naked bishi-slaves?"  
"We're not, you're in my dream. I pulled you here because it's a safe place to converse without risk of rousing my alternate and because it makes it easier to combine our powers."  
"But she's already got a barrier to block all our innate magic."  
"I know that. But she doesn't know me very well. I have a few wizardry spells as well, and I think this one will do just right..."

(1)Although she could never quite recall, it seemed to involve some quest where she was fighting an anthropomorphic teapot that was being controlled by the floating head of Reverend Al Sharpton

On the other side of the force field, a small plume of smoke and fire appeared before condensing into a dark, horn-bearing snake. The small serpent quickly worked its way over and began stabbing its teeth at the barrier with a soft chinking sound, depositing a little caustic venom each time. Raven and Spellslinger watched with increasing anxiety as the little hell-snake that could gradually worked through the shielding spell while alternate raven began to stir and rouse.   
"Run"  
"NO"  
"Run"  
"NO"  
"Ru-"  
The vivacious viper worked away, closer, closer, almost there. Alter-Raven began to wipe the drool from her mouth and stretched. There was less than a hair's breath to go through. She yawned, opened her eyes, and glared at the snake. She lunged towards it, but just seconds before she crushed it in her grasp the field cracked and a minuscule hole opened. The hole was just large enough for Raven to leak out her magic and destroy the wall from both sides. The noise awoke the other titans. The battle for escape was about to begin.

Alternate Raven momentarily lapsed into a flare of anger, briefly looking a lot like the raven we had come to know "YOU BROKE MY SHIELD!...err, I mean, silly willy titans, just because you bwoke my sheiwd, doesn't mean I can't still kick your happy widdle asses," she said, quickly masking over the anger with a fresh layer of nauseating sweetness. She then whipped off her cape.  
The onlooking Titans gasped as she revealed her scantily clad and unearthly body. Her torso had several pairs of glowing blue eyes, two massive, decidedly un-bird-like luminous wings branched out from her back, and protruding from the area where her naval should be was what looked like a small wheel, although what possible purpose it could serve escaped rational thought(1).

At the exact moment both Robins shouted out the command "Titans, GO!"  
Go they did. Beast Boy went Rhinoceros while Beast Girl Became a massive bison, both charging after alternate Raven for a beast-raven sandwich of pain(2). The robins each flung a birdarang her way. Starfire glared with an eye-blast while alternate Starfire hurtled starbolts(3). Cyborg ran in pummeling, Terra unleashed of a hail of rubble while alternate Terra dove in along with one big boulder. Spellslinger mumbled some draconic phrase and then leapt towards alternate Raven, her outstretched hand crackling with electricity. Raven soared in for a close-range telekinetic rend. Alternate Raven Simply stared on absent-mindedly, then, just as the Titans were closing in on her, she mumbled something in Latin, and then shouted out in a commanding voice **"BLINDING GLORY!"**.

A brilliant surge of light burst from her, and when it faded the titans were all bruised, fried, and twisted in a moderately injured heap while she floated 10ft above them laughing her quasi-angelic ass off. "Tee hee! You guys are so ADORABLE and silly. :XD First you think you can actually hurt me, then you rush with all you've got and just smash into each other like anonymous henchmen!"  
"Take a picture, it lasts longer," grumbled a cramped and partially immobilized Raven from somewhere near the bottom of the pile.  
"Okay, I will. " Alternate Raven reached out of an article of clothing that could not possibly hold anything larger than a tic-tac, produced a Polaroid(4) disposable camera and took a shot from three different angles. "I've always wanted to do that."  
She then began fumbling through her things while the titans hastily reassembled themselves. Robin called a quick huddle. "Alright, we can't beat her head-on. I've got an idea that might work. "_incoherent whispering_" They all nodded and then broke up. Beast Boy and Beast Girl soared in as bats and started flapping around her head, swooping in to try to bite her. She simply pointed her fingers at them and fried them with intense blasts of light as the tumbled to the ground. At that moment Cyborg, Starfire, and Starfire fired their attacks together to create a swirling blast of light and sound. Alternate Raven waved her hands and shouted "SHEILD OF FAITH!" as a blue energy field deflected the blast so that it bounced of and fried Robin sneaking up behind her.

She then gave a big wide cheery grin and began gathering energy. "HOLY SMITE!" she yelled, and unleashed a winged hammer of radiance that seared at Terra and Raven. "AUGH! I'M BLIND!" Terra shrieked, clutching her eyes. "My...blood...hurts..." Raven mumbled weakly as she collapsed in a pile, here body giving off blue smoke and parts of her skin bleeding an unhealthy orangey fluid. 

Starfire and Starfire to combine their starblasts into one powerful beam and directed it straight at alternate Raven's heart. "SEARING LIGHT!" A new beam of bright white light came and met the green. The two beams struggled for a bit, first Starfire's pushing back Raven's, then Raven's cutting through Starfire's, then the green overtook the white once again. Finally the Raven repeated the Latin phrase preceding the attack name and the white beam intensified, forcing back the starbolts so that Starfire and Starfire where struck not only by the searing light but also by their own attack. They fell to the ground dazed and losing consciousness rapidly.

By this point robin had managed to limp over to Cyborg and Beast Girl. From the elephant beast girl's back they managed to launch an aerial sonic boom. Alternate Raven threw a feather into the air, mouthed out the word "SILENCE" and the wave of sonic energy rippled past her without effect. She then started swirling her hands around. "WHEEL OF SERAPH!" she cried out, and something formed above her. It was white, ultraviolet, and blue all at the same time. This magnificent circle had a gazing insightful eye at each spoke, wings flapped the thing in a circle, and a whistling object at the center sang an anthem of heavenly joy. It was majestic, it was powerful, it was-"IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!" was what Robin had wanted to say, but it came out more like "IT'S COM-**_WHAM!_**" As he was lifted into the air with the glare from one of the eyes. The wings drove by as the thing spun, each cruelly slapping him with a blow that stung impossibly hard for something so light and beautiful. The eyes then glared a crimson red and each one projected a fiery beam of celestial wrath incarnate, searing away at every inch of exposed flesh on Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Girl.

The Titans lay, defeated, unconscious, and/or bleeding. Alternate Raven giggled with school-girl-ish glee. Somebody moaned.

IS THIS THE END OF THE TEEN TITANS?  
(Well, you all know the answer to that, but I have to maintain _some_ semblance of a cliffhanger)

(1)She mostly just used it as a way to break the ice at parties  
(2)with extra spinal trauma and a dab of mayonnaise  
(3)Male Tamaranians do not undergo transformation. Oddly enough they _do_ menstruate.  
(4) The brand preferred by supervillains, paparzzis, and stalkers everywhere!

As alternate Raven took time to bask in her glory, she noticed that she was one badly battered titan short. Where was beast boy? She looked around, using both normal and supernatural vision, but couldn't find him. "Beasty Boy? Beast boy-toy? Heeeere little green lanky shapeshifter. Come out come out wherever you are, you sexy tofu-chiseled hunk, I've got a cherry-flavored surprise for you..."

_Like hell I am_, he thought. He was currently hiding on the far side of one of the strands of fabric in the carpet as a dust mite. He had to think of a plan, and he had to think of it fast.(1) Unfortunately thinking was not his strong suit. _Umm, maybe I could pretend to be delivering pizza...nah, she looks more like a cheesesteak kind of person. I could try to go fly and outmaneuver her, but she might just have some kind of wide area attack that would zorch anything within 60 feet. Everybody else combined couldn't beat her. No matter what attack we try she just has some special power that trumps it. It's hopeless.  
_  
"Actually, I think cheesesteaks are nasty. But yes, it is hopeless, and yes, I can read your mind, and I know all about the box turtle incident" she said, glaring in beast boy's general direction with her third eye.

_AAAAAH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! There's lots of stuff in here I don't want you looking at(2). GAH! How can I plan to beat her if she keeps reading my brain?!_  
"You can't! Just give up you silly little polymorph. After all, if you surrender now, I might go a little easier on you. Maybe even toy wit' you in amusing ways before killin' ya. You'd like that wouldn't you, you horndog."

_Umm...creepy. Wait, she can't read my brain if I don't have one!_ He then began shrinking away into an amoeba. "No! I can still...oh...Cockfosters(3)!" she yelled in frustration. _Heh heh heh. Now I'm safe and I've got time to think. But what can I possibly do then? I can't hide forever, and she seems unbeatable. She can resist every attack. I might as well...no, nobody's invulnerable. There's something that can beat her. Resist every attack...wait! She can't possibly resist..._

As soon as she spied beast boy, she was about to fling a bolt of glory at him when she saw...**THE FACE!** (For those of you less familiar with the show, "the face" is a puppy-eyes look in a super-cute kitten form performed by beast boy). She stopped, stared for several moments, then squealed and embraced him. "YAAAY! KITTY! !" She hugged him tightly, all but crushing the tiny body, and then, he was gone. "Kitty:(" She briefly called, before snapping out of her cuteness-induced stupefaction, her eyes bulging to the size of dinner plates when she realized the full significance of what happened. "Uh-oh. 00" A small wriggling appeared in her clothing, and she began to violently giggle. "Stop...it tickles..he he he WOW cold feet he hee ha ha ha!" Just as she was almost paralyzed with laughter, a tiny green rodent on her began heading south. "Yipe. .." The bulge shrank to near invisible size, there was a brief movement, and then she stood for a few seconds before shrieking in pain. "YEEEEEEEOOOWWW!!!! TT" Alternate Raven cried out, futily clutching at her crotch.

When the police arrived she was still shielding her area and crying in pain. The other titans looked at beast boy, unsure how to feel. "Um, thanks, you're plan really worked, whatever it was exactly."  
"Well, let's just say I hit a sensitive spot." Beast boy said with an air of pride and satisfaction.  
"Wait, you mean she's a _he_?!" Beast Girl said incredulously.  
"Oh no, she's 100 female, I just...well...let's say I got my inspiration from Flying Suit Reiko," he said, sweat-dropping.  
Beast Girl thought for a second, then collapsed in a heap of near hysterical laughter. She managed to squeeze out between fits "Oh man...you...rock"  
Beast Boy simply grinned smugly and replied, "Yes, yes I do."   
"Yes, we're all surprised by you thinking," beast boy sweat-dropped ", but could you please explain what the Azerath you're talking about?"  
Beast Boy opened his mouth to speak, but then was cut short by a rapid burst of laughter. For the rest of the night he was unable to even try answering without breaking into tears.(4)

(1)Sadly there was no time to train gerbil warriors or get tiny parachutes, so plan A was definitely out  
(2)For example his steamy fantasies about girl on girl Raven and Terra action, the fact that he still occasionally wet the bed, and his paralyzing fear of box turtles caused by a traumatizing but hilarious event in his childhood  
(3)This just happens to be the name of a real British subway station  
(4)If you're curious, just send me a note and I'll tell you what beast boy was referring to.

After escaping the room, they soon found the skewed teleportation device that transported them here.(1)  
"Well, I've got it all calibrated out. It should take us back."  
It was time to say goodbye.  
Starfire said farewell with a Tamarianian farewell song that sounded a lot like a small dog being sexually violated with a harmonica(2).  
Terra tried to say goodbye, but had just chugged a bottle of extra-sugary Japanese soda(3), and it came out more like "GoodBEEEUUUUOOORP!"  
"Um...bye" Robin said. "Yeah, bye."  
There was an awkward pause for bit.  
Beast Boy and Beast Girl turned to each other and both said, simultaneously "May your forehead grow like the mighty oak," then laughed till they wet their pants.  
Cyborg and Raven waved goodbye to SpellSlinger. There was a loud crackling, a flash of light, and they were gone.

(1) It was in the glove compartment  
(2)roughly translated, it went "I may be regretfully leaving you, but at least I'm not a small dog being sexually violated with a harmonica"  
(3)specifically, it was "happy luck go sweet sweet aneurism fun!"

"Kind of makes you think doesn't it. I wonder what we'd be like somewhere else. Who knows, maybe there's an infinite number of potential Beast Boy's and Raven's and-WHAM!" Beast Boy's speech was cut short by a conveniently located falling piece of ceiling tile. He got up again and rubbed his head. "I LIKES TOFU!"  
Raven had just a hint of a smug grin on her face.

**THE END**


End file.
